Post by isabellini10 on Apr 15, 2014 4:07:34 GMT -8
hello
I have had severe problems with depression, anxiety and alcoholism all my life and I thought this was because I was a weak person, who was just making bad decisions and a mess of my life - because that is what I had been told.
Luckily, I am 45 now, I have been having some therapy with a brilliant woman with whom i have been talking about my childhood, of which i can barely remember anything - but I do remember that my grandfather, who was a very depressed and bitter old man, was totally obsessed with me.
I saw him everyday as a child as he still worked on my dad's farm, and he let me know on no uncertain terms that I was his only reason for living and that he couldn't live without me. He hated my mother and father, his son, and would scream and argue with them everyday. they hated him in return.
All i can remember from being little is feeling his sadness and loneliness and that i was responsible for making him happy - if i disappointed him in anyway, he would let me know how much i was disappointed in me. his wife died when he was in his twenties, and i really feel that i became his substitute partner in so many ways. he had nobody else apart from me and we were inseperable.
my dad turned against me because i seemed to side with my grandfather so much, and my mother although she loved me, was very caught up in her own sadness with fighting with my dad, and fighting with my grandfather - it felt although i was living in a war because the fighting was so nasty and daily. my mother also told me regularly that the only reason she stayed with my father was because of me.
i dont know if anything sexual happened with my grandfather, I had to sleep with him regularly in his bed in his house, and he was naked apart from a short shirt, and we would have to go to bed at 8pm, no matter how light it was. when i refused to sleep with him anymore and sleep in the spare bed in his house, he came into my rooom, screaming and shouting that i had ruined everything and his old bollox were swinging in the wind in front of me as he shouted and raged at me.
i grew up on a farm, but i dont ever remember feeling free, happy and joyful like other children. i just remember all the sadness that i couldnt fix, no matter what i tried to do.
i am more sad now that i have lived with such pain and suffering all my adult life, and it has been really terrible, and my parents have always blamed me for it, and my weakness and my bad choices. nobody got me any psychological help or therapy - when I could have sorted all this out years ago with a little bit of professional help.
and nobody, apart from me has taken any responsibility for it, but I am the one who has carried it all until now.
Would I now let my precious daughter spend all her time with a seriously depressed, bitter and damaged old man who hated me and was obsessed with her? would i let my 11 year old daughter sleep with her naked grandfather in his bed when there was a spare room in his house?
would I hell.
I have had severe problems with depression, anxiety and alcoholism all my life and I thought this was because I was a weak person, who was just making bad decisions and a mess of my life - because that is what I had been told.
Luckily, I am 45 now, I have been having some therapy with a brilliant woman with whom i have been talking about my childhood, of which i can barely remember anything - but I do remember that my grandfather, who was a very depressed and bitter old man, was totally obsessed with me.
I saw him everyday as a child as he still worked on my dad's farm, and he let me know on no uncertain terms that I was his only reason for living and that he couldn't live without me. He hated my mother and father, his son, and would scream and argue with them everyday. they hated him in return.
All i can remember from being little is feeling his sadness and loneliness and that i was responsible for making him happy - if i disappointed him in anyway, he would let me know how much i was disappointed in me. his wife died when he was in his twenties, and i really feel that i became his substitute partner in so many ways. he had nobody else apart from me and we were inseperable.
my dad turned against me because i seemed to side with my grandfather so much, and my mother although she loved me, was very caught up in her own sadness with fighting with my dad, and fighting with my grandfather - it felt although i was living in a war because the fighting was so nasty and daily. my mother also told me regularly that the only reason she stayed with my father was because of me.
i dont know if anything sexual happened with my grandfather, I had to sleep with him regularly in his bed in his house, and he was naked apart from a short shirt, and we would have to go to bed at 8pm, no matter how light it was. when i refused to sleep with him anymore and sleep in the spare bed in his house, he came into my rooom, screaming and shouting that i had ruined everything and his old bollox were swinging in the wind in front of me as he shouted and raged at me.
i grew up on a farm, but i dont ever remember feeling free, happy and joyful like other children. i just remember all the sadness that i couldnt fix, no matter what i tried to do.
i am more sad now that i have lived with such pain and suffering all my adult life, and it has been really terrible, and my parents have always blamed me for it, and my weakness and my bad choices. nobody got me any psychological help or therapy - when I could have sorted all this out years ago with a little bit of professional help.
and nobody, apart from me has taken any responsibility for it, but I am the one who has carried it all until now.
Would I now let my precious daughter spend all her time with a seriously depressed, bitter and damaged old man who hated me and was obsessed with her? would i let my 11 year old daughter sleep with her naked grandfather in his bed when there was a spare room in his house?
would I hell.
