Post by trying2survive on Feb 4, 2014 16:05:19 GMT -8
My father was fully nude 24/7 when I was growing up. I would beg my mother to tell him to put clothes on, and she never did anything about it. She would half-heartedly ask him to put clothes on, but he wouldn't comply. She didn't make a big deal out of it for perhaps 10 years. I would plead about it that it made me uncomfortable, but nobody cared. I would ask my father to put clothes on, and he would just tell me to shut up. He would watch R-rated movies with me as a child, and didn't fast-forward through the sex scenes. I told him it made me uncomfortable, and he would say it is so nice for people to be naked together. I was not allowed to have privacy using the bathroom. As soon as i would close the door, he would bang on it it enraged that he needed to put his clothes in the hamper immediately when i was on the toilet. He would always come in to supposedly do this only when i was on the toilet, and became enraged if i locked the door to use the bathroom in privacy. There was in reality no reason he needed to go put his clothes in the hamper at that moment. He wanted to violate me, that's all. I always feared climbing to the top of my bunk bed at night because he would pinch my butt. I was so uncomfortable and I would race up the ladder as fast as i could to try to beat him to it so he didn't have the chance. My little sister's visual as she went to sleep each night of her childhood on the bottom bunk was a grown man's genitals in her face as he said goodnight to me on the top bunk. He would suck on my earlobe and i would pull away uncomfortably, but he ignored this and would always do this. As he was always naked, he was constantly ''readjusting'' himself all day. He wasn't masturbating, rather just constantly touching himself, itching himself, readjusting himself. He would think it was funny to try to put his fingers in my mouth when i yawned, and this made me uncomfortable because i knew he was touching himself all day and not washing his hands. He would constantly lay around the house sprawled out fully nude sleeping. One time i saw him getting en erection in his sleep,as grown men normally do. I woke him up and said ''daddy your penis was moving around!" and he just dismissed it as though nothing happened. I didn't know what i was seeing at the time. The point is, he was aware that he was exposing his daughters to seeing his erection, and he didn't put clothes on afterwards. He didn't care I guess. He continued being nude 24/7 and sleeping nude around our small apartment. As I got older as a preteen, my parents had divorced. He would reminisce about f**king a woman on a pool table to me and my sister in the car with him. We were certainly not asking him about it. He just wanted to talk about this out of nowhere. Everything he would say would be sexualized. All the language he used was inappropriately sexual for no reason. He would constantly use phrases like ''getting f**ked in the ass'' to describe a stressful situation at work or something. He would say this constantly to his young girls. He wanted to know when my period was starting and if i would tell him about it. I lived with my grandparents, though supposedly with him in court papers. He kind of just left me with his parents though, and came to visit me there. He sort of treated me as an emotional confidant far more than is normal for a father to do involving me in adult issues and making feel guilty that he was spending all this money to take care of me, which was virtually nothing actually. He would leave extremely extensive porn history on the computer for me to immediately see when I typed anything in. No effort to conceal it. He constantly smelled like he was masturbating all day. He eventually started dating a woman who had three kids. He would kiss her in an extremely pornographic and sensual way with tongue in front of me all the time. it made me very uncomfortable. On my nightstand, he placed a photo album. I opened it, and flipped through. The pictures were my grandparents, my sister and i, my grandparents, nude pornographic photos of my future stepmom clearly right before they f**ked, a pic of my grandma, my sister, nude porn of my stepmom. He had clearly taken the time to print these personal photos on high quality glossy paper and place them interspersed in an existing album after removing every other photo so they could fit in like it was just part of the album, and then carefully placed it on the nightstand next to my bed. As an 8th grader, he let me go to school in a shirt that said ''sex'' on it as part of a graffiti design. He would stare at my breasts. He touched my sister's breast in a walmart parking lot and she called him out on it. He immediately went into a guilt trip that it was terrible she would accuse her father of doing something like that, she was going to put him in jail, how horrible of her. At some point there came a time when his new wife's daughter made an allegation that he had inappropriately touched her. He manipulated his new wife into thinking that her exhusband was being vindictive,and no one believed the allegation. A year later, my 14year old stepsister killed herself by stabbing herself in the heart with a steak knife. I felt tremendous guilt for years because I knew what he was really like and I didn't say anything when the accusations occurred. I never knew for sure if he had done this, but i had seen him nibbling on her ear as well and isolating her to spend the most time with her, and talking about how she was the prettiest daughter. It would not surprise me at all if he had gone way beyond what i had seen in public. When I went off to college, i stopped talking to him. He had gotten progressively more verbally and emotionally abusive as i got older, acted colder towards him, and i didn't seem eager to go along with his behaviors. He abandoned me financially and has told lies to my stepmother about me so they think i am the bad person. i don't speak to anyone in my family really on his side because they inappropriately pressure me to see my father, without knowing anything about why i am estranged, and they are not curious. I strongly feel they would dismiss me and call me a liar if i told them anyway. I have virtually no family at this point. There are a lot of details I am not even mentioning. It's just too many years of inappropriate incidents. I believe this is a case ''covet incest'' among many other abusive things that were part of the relationship with my father. I will never see him again if I can help it. I have had to keep up sort of a lie with my grandpa who i love by not telling him this, and refusing to explain why i wont see his son anymore because i think it would kill him if he believed me. I am skeptical he would believe me, however. Most people in his family would say i am horrible for saying such things about my father, how dare i. So i have just disappeared, and do not speak to them at all. Basically he kind of did everything he could keeping to exactly one inch to the right side of the law about child rape and molestation so there was deniability that anything was going on, but it's not clear to me he wouldn't have done more if he knew he truly would get away with it. I really don't know.
Some of the problems I face: No one would believe the abuse. Furthermore, sometimes people ask me ''well were u molested?" and the answer is....umm kind of? No, I wasn't, it was....other stuff? Like i was sexually abused, but i was never molested or raped? It wouldn't make sense to people. If i just said 'yes i was sexually abused'' they would now think i was a rape victim. Which...is not exactly true. If i told them more details, they might not see that as sexual abuse. It would be invalidating yet again. I don't want to ever tell anyone i am dating about this stuff, because then they would stop thinking ''wow she is really wild and sexual in bed'' and start looking at this aspect of my personality as simply a dysfunction being acted out. It won't be fun anymore, just messed up. I have terrible depression and anxiety problems, for many years. I have had OCD and trichotilliomania since i was a preteen, compulsively ripping out all my eyelashes a couple times a year. i fear i will choose the wrong marriage partner because of the modeling i experienced from my primary caretakers. I feel that there is something wrong with me that will never be fixed. That i was scrambled in some way. I am extremely high functional to other people. No one has any idea what my life was really like. My mother was 10x as crazy as my father in many ways, violent and delusional, making up false charges and putting me through the juvenille justice system as an honor student who was actually being abused by her. I eventually chose to be with my father fulltime, because he was a much more stable alternative to her, a delusional woman with anger problems who was on track to make me a felon before i ever made it to college with a huge scholarship.
I feel isolated with my secret. i feel that even though there are a lot of people who spend time with me ''no one realllyyyy knows me'' because no one knows any of this. I feel alienated from everyone in some way. I feel that no one can really ever understand me. There is no one who was a witness to this that will fully validate it, and no one will in the future either. The perpetrators certainly will never admit any of this ever happened, and there are a lot of aspects to my relationship with my mother that my sister is not interested in revisiting. I was abused, but even i don't fully believe it, because it was screamed at me for so many years by my mother that i was the abuser in the family. Only intellectually do i see i was abused. There is some disconnect where i don't even fully accept it was me being abused...
I have a lot of trouble doing basic tasks like washing dishes, brushing my teeth and flossing, and getting work done. I failed so many classes in college, even though was at the top of the class going in and i was a gifted student in special classes growing up. I simply can't function. I can't write a paper, i can't get out of bed sometimes. I have not reached my potential at all. I spend weeks avoiding work i need to do. i haven't folded my clothes in 8 months. They remain in a big pile.
Some of the problems I face: No one would believe the abuse. Furthermore, sometimes people ask me ''well were u molested?" and the answer is....umm kind of? No, I wasn't, it was....other stuff? Like i was sexually abused, but i was never molested or raped? It wouldn't make sense to people. If i just said 'yes i was sexually abused'' they would now think i was a rape victim. Which...is not exactly true. If i told them more details, they might not see that as sexual abuse. It would be invalidating yet again. I don't want to ever tell anyone i am dating about this stuff, because then they would stop thinking ''wow she is really wild and sexual in bed'' and start looking at this aspect of my personality as simply a dysfunction being acted out. It won't be fun anymore, just messed up. I have terrible depression and anxiety problems, for many years. I have had OCD and trichotilliomania since i was a preteen, compulsively ripping out all my eyelashes a couple times a year. i fear i will choose the wrong marriage partner because of the modeling i experienced from my primary caretakers. I feel that there is something wrong with me that will never be fixed. That i was scrambled in some way. I am extremely high functional to other people. No one has any idea what my life was really like. My mother was 10x as crazy as my father in many ways, violent and delusional, making up false charges and putting me through the juvenille justice system as an honor student who was actually being abused by her. I eventually chose to be with my father fulltime, because he was a much more stable alternative to her, a delusional woman with anger problems who was on track to make me a felon before i ever made it to college with a huge scholarship.
I feel isolated with my secret. i feel that even though there are a lot of people who spend time with me ''no one realllyyyy knows me'' because no one knows any of this. I feel alienated from everyone in some way. I feel that no one can really ever understand me. There is no one who was a witness to this that will fully validate it, and no one will in the future either. The perpetrators certainly will never admit any of this ever happened, and there are a lot of aspects to my relationship with my mother that my sister is not interested in revisiting. I was abused, but even i don't fully believe it, because it was screamed at me for so many years by my mother that i was the abuser in the family. Only intellectually do i see i was abused. There is some disconnect where i don't even fully accept it was me being abused...
I have a lot of trouble doing basic tasks like washing dishes, brushing my teeth and flossing, and getting work done. I failed so many classes in college, even though was at the top of the class going in and i was a gifted student in special classes growing up. I simply can't function. I can't write a paper, i can't get out of bed sometimes. I have not reached my potential at all. I spend weeks avoiding work i need to do. i haven't folded my clothes in 8 months. They remain in a big pile.
